The reason that I exist
by Milonar
Summary: Please don't tell me that promise is a lie ... You know , everyone exists because they have their reason . I have , too . But what will happen to me if I lost that reason ? AllenXLavi.
1. Chapter 1 : Last Love

**Hi , I'm back with new stories . About AllenXLavi . Umm ... I wrote this Fic before I wrote Fic "Dearest Forgotten Memories". I wrote this Fic by myself . Fic "Dearest Forgotten Memories" , my friend helped me a little . It's so embarrassment. ( because I don't make it by myself ) **

**Err , well , thanks for your reading . It's a short Fic . And may be have part 2 , too . **

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** The reason that I exist .**

**Chapter 1 .**

"_**Do you love me , Lavi ?"**_

"_**What are you talking ? Of course I am . I promise I love you forever ."**_

That promise will never come true . I knew it . Because that promise is a lie . And the lie will never become true . Never .

I'm Allen. An exorcist in the Black Order . I have a father , Mana . But he was died when I was little . Now , I don't have any relationship . I only do one thing , defeat Akuma and Noahs , bring peaceful to the world . This is kind of boring , you know . Fighting Akuma isn't easy work . I may die someday for sure . But ...

I fight to protect who I love the most . That the reason I'm still fighting. I don't want who I love hurts, cries or dies . Yeah , you should know . The one I love is a man names Lavi . He is a Bookman , records the history and doesn't need a heart to love . But everyone has a love , I know . I have , too . I'm fighting to protect that man . I'm tried to grow stronger to protect him .

That the only reason I exist in this world . I've had nothing since my father died . Lavi is all I really need . I love him . Love very much .

I told him the truth that I love him . The answer is... Lavi smiled with me and said "I love you , too , Allen . I'm very surprise that you love me . Now , I'm happy ." I was very and very happy , too . That was a great time for me .

Lavi always by my side , smiles with me . His smile is warmer and kinder than other I have. He helped me a lot , cheered me up when I was sad or had a problem . And we have slept together sometime ( or usually ), kissed each other very often . That time, both of us all have a great time ever . It was very wonderful , I said .

But now everything is only a past . I've had nothing . Lavi , he's ...

"I'm sorry , Allen ..."- Lavi said with a sad face, felt guilty- "I ... We all have a good time together . I was very pleased , too . But ... you know , our love is impossible ."

"What ... did you say ?" - I was surprise the words Lavi has said - "Why ...? Because you are a Bookman ? A Bookman can't love ? That's not fair ."

"That's one of the reason . And the other is ..." - Lavi said quickly - "I've found my true love . I love Lenalee ."

My eyes widened in surprise . Lavi loves Lenalee than ... me ? I ... can't believe it . Why and what happened ? I couldn't answer . I felt confused about what to do , what to say . I can't only say "That's OK. Don't worried ." That's hurt. The silence that flowed between us was maddening, seeming to go on for hours.

"We have nothing to say now ."- I was more than a little uneasy to answer Lav's word . It is painful , I may say .- "If you love Lenalee , then ... you should go. I hope Lenalee loves you back . I ... Good bye ."

"Hey , wait Allen . I'm sorry . I didn't mean anything to hurt you ... Allen !"

I ran . Tears sliding down my cheeks . I don't want anyone sees me crying . My heart all broken . Lenalee ... Why does Lavi love you but he doesn't love me anymore ? Why ?

In my room, I tried to calm myself. Lenalee, she is one of my best friends. A cheerful and very generous , pretty cute girl . Everyone in the Black Order all loves her because of her purest soul . I like her , too . But I don't love her . I and Lenalee only friends , not lover .

But now , I hate her so much . Because of her , Lavi doesn't love me anymore . She's just a weak , quick to cry , useless girl in the world. Everyone always protects her because she doesn't have power to do anything . She's more useless than Miranda . I think Miranda is more useful than her .

I can kill Lenalee by my innocent . But I can't do that . Lavi will be sad because of her death . And after all , she is my friend in the Black Order . I'm not a devil or Noahs to kill human and my friends . I'm a human , with heart . I have feelings and thoughts .

I still love you , Lavi . Although you don't love me anymore . The only thing I can do is watching you and Lenalee , praying you and your love are happy together .

When I watch you and Lenalee from the distance ... which is something I do more often than a normal person should. I wish I were only the one you love . So you really love that girl , huh ? I have nothing to say . I envy her so much ...

The smile you're smiling with Lenalee , the time you hugs her . I always watched you , Lavi . I just can't forget what you did for me .

Nothing forgotten .

Laughter , a little silliness , smiles .

Hugs , kisses . The time we spent together .

All are the happy memories for me .

I knew that you doesn't want to make me hurt or sad . I can't blame you . Because you have found your truly love . Lenalee, I think she will be your good wife in future. I can't , can I ? In this world, boy loves other boys is impossible likes you said. And your old man doesn't like this , too , I'm sure .

We can't love each other .

**To be continue ...**

**Woa , I don't have anything to say ... Because I still pratice my English . ( It's so hard ) Hope I don't have any mistakes . Anyway , enjoy it . **


	2. Chapter 2 : Last Hope

**Continue next chapter 1 .**

** The reason that I exist .**

**Chapter 2 .**

I can't forget you . But I think you have forgotten me . You didn't call my name or smile with me like that you did before . You always talked about Lenalee and kissed her . Lavi , did you know how I feel ? Everyone is happy for you , I'm happy , too and feel very sad in my soul . My heart is broken .

Do you want to know the truth , Lavi ?

I'm already missing you , the man names "Lavi" I have loved .

Lavi, you can do anything to me, I really don't mind . I will be always by your side , help you when you need me , protect you . Because I truly love you ? Do you understand what I think and feel ?

"What's the matter with you , bean sprout ?" - Suddenly Kanda asked and stared at me - "You are not you anymore ."

"Well , Kanda , I ..." - I can't tell what wrong with me . I don't feel well lately . Can't eat and sleep well . I know the reason . Because Lavi wasn't with me anymore . Like I said , he is the reason that I can alive . - "Sorry , I don't feel well . May be some sleep will help me a little ... Thanks ."

I walked into my room and locked the door . I began crying , like a baby .

I think I can't stand anymore. I want Lavi . I love him but he doesn't love me. Is it a curse for me ? I just don't get it .

What the reason I still exist ? I lost . Lost the one I love most . It's so painful ...

Only in the memories .

And ...

The time I'm afraid is coming . I'm scared , very scared . I'm alone in this world ...

"Have you heard, Allen? Lavi and Lenalee will get a marriage, soon . May be next week . I heard it from Komui and Lenalee ." - Jonhny said with an excited face .

"I can't believe it ." - Kanda very surprise - "Finally , Komui agreed Lenalee's wedding . I think he never wants his sister has a husband . Jezz ... Whatever ... I don't care ."

"Well , Lavi is a good man, too. I think Lenalee is very happy. She loves him very much , I may say . Everyone is talking about their wedding . We will have a big party ." - Jonhny continued- "Allen , what's wrong with you ? Your face is pale . You don't feel so well ?"

"No ... I'm fine ." - I quietly answered . I felt like I going to cry . I can't cry in front of everyone . And everyone will know that our secret love . Our love ... is impossible .

"Next week , huh ? Why didn't I know ? Well , bean sprout , will you come to Lavi and Lenalee wedding ? You and Lavi are good friends together , am I right ?"

Kanda asked me . I didn't gave him an answer . I stood up and returned to my room fast . They can't understand what I think and feel , Lavi , too . I can't blame them .

Lavi , you will married soon , huh? With Lenalee , not me? You don't love me anymore ? Why? Because I'm a boy? No ... I can't understand your heart. Likes you don't care what I think and feelings .

My heart is all broken again . I can't stand it anymore .

I stayed in my room all the time . Sleeping and dreaming . Dream about Lavi. It's stupid , I think . Doesn't mean anything I don't want to keep doing this anymore .

I didn't cry . But my soul is crying somehow . It's so painful ...

I wish the time will be disappear . I wish the morning won't come over again ...

Only in the memories .

In the memory , there is only you and I . Now , there is nothing between you and I , Lavi .

In the memory , you are with me . Now , you are with somebody else here .

You are in my memory but not by my side anymore .

I know .

The promise is a lie , isn't it ? The promise will never keep .

I knew this promise is a lie . Because you don't love me anymore , Lavi .

My hope become a lie , too ...

I trying to feel your love , but ... You are not the "Lavi" I knew anymore .

You threw my heart into despair . Did you know , Lavi ?

The promise is a lie ...

I wish the promise it can be true someday . But this wish is impossible .

It's all lie . I can't trust anything right now .

I can't understand your heart , Lavi .

I want to stay in your memories , Lavi . But somehow , I can't reach you .

"Lavi" I knew isn't here anymore .

I don't have a reason to exist .

Look likes the time I must go soon .

Lavi , please don't leave me ...

You color ever the breath I breathe ...

Please don't tell me that loving someone is also the same as losing them .

**To be continue ...**

**Hope this Chapter isn't bad . I'm sorry . **


	3. Chapter 3 : Last letter

**Well , I have been lazy lately . That's not good . First , thanks for your all reviews ( and reading , too ) .**

**tinytruefan : thank you very much . I will try to fix my mistake . Well , I know it's very choppy but ... it's hard to fix it . Anyway , you're really a good friend . **

**And anyone that love LaviXAllen is my friend , too . Ah , continue to our story ...**

** The reason that I exist .**

**Chapter 3 .**

"Hey , Jonhny , have you seen Allen ? I can't find him anywhere ."

Lavi asked . He is very busy now . Because his wedding will start soon . And he want to see Allen , his best friend . ( and his old love ... ) He wants to see Allen's warm smile and tells him that he's really sorry . He knows that Allen was very sad because of him . Lavi recognizes that Lenalee is his true love . Although he loves Allen , too . But he thinks he and Allen can't love each other . It's guilty , somehow ...

"Did you search in his room ? He always been in his room lately ." - Johnny thought and answered quickly . - "I don't know what the matter with him ."

"Well ..." - Lavi knows that he can't answer this question . Because of him , Allen ... - " Anyway , thanks . I have to go ."

"I think you don't have to go Allen's room . I have been there ."

Lavi recognized this voice immediately. It's Kanda . His cold voice is always makes Lavi scared a little . In his hand , it's a letter . From who ... ? Suddenly , he has a bad feeling ...

"Allen isn't in his room ." - Kanda continued - "Hm , why don't you start you wedding ? Why do you want to see Allen ? Is it something matter ?"

"I ... I have own him something ." - Lavi tried to explain - "So I want to say ... Err ..."

"It's doesn't matter ... I don't want to hear your answer ." - Kanda sign and made a sad face . Lavi wonders why ... ? - "Here , this is for you . Allen last letter ..."

Kanda hand over the letter for Lavi and walk slowly away . He didn't look good . Is it something happen to Allen ? Lavi opened and read the letter quickly . It said ...

"_**Dear Lavi ...**_

_I'm sorry that I can't come to see your wedding . I think Lenalee is very beautiful today , isn't she ? And you too , Lavi . You looks like a man , now . Hope you will take good care of Lenalee and become a good husband . I wish you two will happy together and forever ._

_I can't come to your wedding, because I can't stand seeing you are with Lenalee.The time_ _two of you become a family is the time I will disappear in this world . Do you understand what I mean , Lavi ? _

_You are not the "Lavi" I have known anymore . The Lavi I really love ..._

_Now , I'm not real I am anymore . The "Allen" you know is death now . The "Allen" that you have loved ... The "Allen" that you promised to love forever is death ._

_Do you know what I mean , Lavi ? _

_I truly love you . Although you don't love me anymore . _

_Our love isn't impossible . It because that you have found your true love and don't love me . Lavi , do you remember your promise ?_

_That promise is a lie , isn't it ? _

_Don't worried . I am not mad at all . I am not calling you "a big liar" . Because I love you , Lavi ._

_I love your cheerful and warm smile ._

_I love your voice . _

_I love your warm body . _

_I love the time that you kissing and hugging me ._

_Everything about you ..._

_I love it all eternally . _

_I love you forever ._

_I love the "Lavi" I have known ._

_More importantly , Lavi , you shoul know ... _

_But now , you are not with me anymore . _

_You love Lenalee , right ? So you should come to see her soon . Make her happy forever . _

_My time is over now ..._

_Lavi , you should know ..._

_You are the reason that I still smile , the reason that I still fighting ._

_You are the reason that I still exist in this world . _

_But now , you are not my "Lavi" anymore ..._

_So I must go now . I don't have a reason to live ._

_I don't want to lose anything anymore ._

_I'm all alone now. Without you by my side, watching the time goes on, what should I do ?_

_I can't erase the time we spent together . _

_What am I suppose to do without you , Lavi ? _

_I want to love you forever . _

_I love you , Lavi ._

_Wish you happy . __**Allen**__ ."_

"So what now ? That bean sprout hasn't been here anymore ." - Kanda quietly said - "It's all your fault , Lavi ."

Lavi didn't answer. He confused to think what to do, what to say. Lavi looked down , felt like he's going to cry .

"You know , Kanda ... That's hurt ." - Lavi started to cry , quietly .

"Hurt what ?"

"Allen's soul ... It's hurt ... I ..."

Yes . He has made a big mistake . And now it's too late to fix it .

"I'm sorry , Allen ... I love you , too ... But I ... I ... What a stupid I am ..."

Too late to return his word . Tears are falling from his eyes .

It is a true love ? Or the feeling that lost something important .

"I really don't want to let you go , Allen . I'm sorry ... I love you ..."

_**Cannot reach anymore ...**_

_**The things I need to apologize for won't ever be forgiven .**_

_**Even if I didn't have any rights to stand next to you .**_

_**I love you .**_

_**That promise ... I ...**_

Our love isn't impossible . Because you don't want to recognize it . You hidden your true love . I can't blame you . Because you are a Bookman .

I think we will never meet again . I'm not your "Allen" anymore .

We can't change it . It's too late , now .

But one thing is never change .

Lavi ...

You are the reason that I still exist .

And I love you forever .

I will be always by your side .

Always by your side and always love you .

Always by your side , always in your memories .

That will never change ...

Do you understand what I'm thinking and feeling , Lavi ?

You are my love until the end . Although that promise is a lie ...

Lie can't never become true . Never .

**End .**

**PS : Finally , it's Fin . Oh , don't worry . I'm thinking of part 2 this Fic ... Summary : takes place after nineteen years since Allen has left and never return . But he has a daughter ?! Will his daughter become a exorcist ? Well , pairing is Lavi's sonX Allen's daughter . **

**Hope you like my ideas . It's still going , after all .**


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